


can't say it

by ErisedEloquence



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (someone does drown but not a main character just as a general warning), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Drowning, Flirting, John Needs A Hug, M/M, Oblivious, Pick-Up Lines, Pining, john is a sad puppy, or actually, tjeff just wants to be with madison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 19:22:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9563006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErisedEloquence/pseuds/ErisedEloquence
Summary: “But you sleep together. All the time.”“Just sleep!”“You spend all your time together!”“We’re best friends!”"You get jealous when people flirt with him!”“No, I don’t!”“He flirts with you all the fucking time!”John opened his mouth to deny that before snapping it shut. Hesitantly, he mumbled, “he doesn't… does he?”“All. The. Time. It’s disgusting.”---or the one where john's parents make sure he believes that no one could ever love him, and everyone will eventually leave him. which makes things difficult when he meets alex and falls in love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to write a trope-y: "i keep saying 'i love you' in a language i didn't think you knew but omg you apparently do. fuck." but that didn't happen. 
> 
> like always, i write in one sitting and only edit once before publishing so tenses are probably fucked, and it's definitely not perfect, but what can you do!
> 
> hope you like it!
> 
> +

It was no secret that Henry Laurens was a shit father. 

He was emotionally abusive, homophobic, a drunk - a self centered man with a god complex. Eleanor Laurens wasn’t that much better; she was the epitome of a rich, white southern lady. She held people’s views and opinions to such a high standard John wasn’t allowed to  _ breathe  _ unless she gave him permission. 

His older brother, James, was perfect in their parents’ eyes. He was a football star, he dated the most popular girl in school, he got B’s so he wasn’t a brainiac but wasn’t an idiot… unlike John , who liked track and swimming, and wasn’t sure he even liked girls, and got all A’s. He was a disappointment. Not to his brother though; James loved John, and always tried to cover for him with their parents, especially later when things got really bad. James was great. Was. 

So yes, John was a disappointment. And that was that at first. But when he was thirteen, his dad started hounding him to find a girlfriend, but John - John didn’t  _ want  _ a girlfriend. He was young but not young enough that he didn’t know what telling his dad that would do.

One night, after a terrible interrogation by his father, John had had enough. He waited until his parents were asleep and snuck into James’ room. James, as expected, was awake. 

“Hey, bro, what are you doing up?” he said but still patted the spot next to him on the couch. 

(God, James’ room was so much bigger than John’s.)

“Um, can I talk to you about something?” John asked.

James could tell it was important and turned his phone off, paying full attention to his brother. 

“So, do you know how dad keeps… how he keeps grilling me to get a… a girlfriend?” John started. James’ eyes lit up with realization, and John mentally rolled his eyes;  _ of course  _ his brother knew he wasn’t interested in girls. “Try not to look too excited…” he said drily. 

James laughed. “Hey, I didn’t say anything!” his hands raised in surrender.

John hid his smile. “Can you at least  _ pretend  _ this is news?” 

James adapted a look of seriousness. “Of course. Go on.” he paused, narrowing his eyes, “Although, that would make me a shitty brother if I didn’t notice this. Especially when my little brother is the  _ worst  _ actor ever.” 

“James.” 

“Sorry, pretending now.” 

John shook his head. “Okay. so you know how dad keeps--” he gave up. “for fuck’s sake, I'm gay.” 

James let out a loud laugh before smacking a hand over his mouth, both boys glancing at the door to make sure their parents didn’t hear. “Jack, buddy, I'm so happy you finally told me.” he smiled fervently, “And you know I don’t give a fuck whether you like girls or guys, right? You’re my brother and I love you no matter what.” 

John felt his eyes well up. “Yup.” 

“And Melissa and I've been talking and I know all this shit doesn’t matter; sexuality and religion and your fucking _ favorite color _ don’t make you a good or bad person - your decisions and actions do.” 

John raised his eyebrows, “I suddenly love Melissa.” 

“Shut up, she’s not wrong.” 

“She’s not, but maybe don’t tell mom and dad.” 

James snorted, “Yeah I'm not an idiot.”

 

+

 

After that, it was easier to breathe at home. Yes, his parents still hated him - his mom was subtle, much more than his dad, but it was still obvious - but even then, James loved him and he had someone on his team. 

But then John fucked up. 

 

+

 

He just wanted to go to the beach. It was nice out, and he wanted to go to the beach. He just… he didn’t think things would go so bad. 

 

+

 

He knew his dad would laugh in his face, and his mom would huff and ignore him, if he asked them. And he also knew the beach was pretty far and he couldn’t go without a car. So he asked James to  _ “please, please, please take me?” _ James, being the awesome brother that he was, rolled his eyes but said yes. 

And then, James went to his dad’s study (John would get a beating if he even  _ thought  _ about going in there) and casually told him, “dad, I'm feeling like going to the beach, wanna come?” knowing his dad definitely wouldn’t. Their dad glared at the door, knowing James hated swimming, but John? John loved it. He didn’t have  _ proof  _ that it was John who wanted to go though, and he hated saying no to his oldest son, so he nodded stiffly. 

James smiled and left the room, making sure to loudly call up the stairs, “Jack, I'm going to the beach, wanna join?” and so, they got in james’ car, giggling, and happy. 

John just didn’t know how bad things were going to be.

They got to the beach, spread their things, and sat down to talk for a bit. And it was great. It was calm, and relaxing, and their parents weren’t there, and John could say whatever he wanted and not fear his dad’s wrath, and it was  _ great _ . 

But after a while, he wanted to go into the water, so he begged James to go in with him. James sighed, and rolled his eyes exaggeratingly, but got up to go in. The waves were a little high, the water a little angry, but it wasn’t bad. _It really wasn’t bad_. If it was, John wouldn’t have went it. _He didn’t know_. They swam around and splashed each other, and laughed for maybe ten minutes at _most_. Then when a wave struck John and he went under. It happened so suddenly that he couldn’t get his bearings and swim up, he couldn’t breath - _he needed to stop swallowing so much water he was gonna drown he was gonna die James was gonna be so sad_ … he felt someone grab him, but that was the last thing he was aware of before everything went black.

 

+

 

He could hear voices. He could hear voices frantically yelling over him, but he just-- he coughed violently, water leaving his body, and proving he was alive.  _ Fuck thank god he was alive. James would kill him if he’d died. _

He slowly opened his eyes and saw a large group of people hovering over him. “Are you alright, son?” 

John had to blink slowly, his eyelids were  _ so  _ heavy, but he nodded at the lifeguard. 

“Can you tell me your name?” 

John cautiously cleared his throat. “John Laurens.” 

“That’s great. Do you know where you are?” 

John suddenly realized James wasn’t there. That was weird, James was definitely the one who brought him there. He frowned. “Where’s James?” 

The lifeguard shook his head, obviously confused. “Who’s that?” 

Dread was creeping in “My brother. He was in the water with me.”

“I'm sorry, son, no one else came out of the water.” the lifeguard’s words were spoken very gently, trying to be calming, but he was obviously terrified. 

John knew he was panicking. “ _ No _ . No my brother was with me. James was with me. I felt him grab me when I went under. Where’s james? You need to find james.  _ Now! _ ” he couldn’t breathe. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. James…. He could hear the lifeguard try to calm him down, could hear the EMTs who’d finally arrived, could feel their hands lifting him up on the stretcher - but he  _ couldn’t breath. _

Everything went black again.

 

+

 

That was the day everything went to shit. That was the day John ruined everything. They said James’ body had washed up minutes after John was taken to the hospital. No one came to see John for hours; his parents both going to see James’ body. And John agreed with their decision. He felt disgusting, he felt pathetic, he felt--  _ he  _ should’ve died, not James. It was John’s fault, and there’s no denying that; James didn’t even like water, John forced him to take him. 

He cried. And cried and cried for hours, until he felt like couldn’t cry anymore, and then he cried again. 

His parents eventually came. The seething anger waving off of them so horrible, and while John knew  _ why  _ they were angry, he still felt another emotion mix in with the unbelievable grief he’d been feeling - fear. Terrible, unadulterated fear. He’d killed their favorite son, he’d killed the  _ only  _ son they liked. 

He’d killed his brother.

After that, things just. Things went south real quick. No one was there to act as a buffer between John and his parents. No one was there to change the subject when girls came up. No one was there to be the perfect, straight son whenever their parents started glaring accusingly at John. No one was there. And it was all John’s fault.

 

+

 

Months after, John was caught kissing a boy, and the emotional abuse turned physical. He was barely fifteen. And he was alone. Every time his father would hit him, every time he was sneered at and told  _ “who’d want to be with a fag like you?” _ , every time his mother looked at him like he was the scum of the earth, he felt the loss of his brother deeper and deeper. Every time his father got drunk and told him _ “you should’ve been the one to die” _ , every time his mother got dressed and made up for a party and told him  _ “you should stay in your room this time” _ , he wished he  _ was  _ the one who’d died.

He was truly alone for two more years. 

 

+

 

His senior year, he met Alexander Hamilton, and he suddenly had someone in his corner. Of course, John didn’t say anything about the abuse; Alex got too worked up sometimes, John wasn’t sure Alex wouldn’t try to fight his dad if he told him. Alex was proudly bisexual, and never tried to hide the fact. And John started to like him, more than platonically, and he wanted to ask Alex out or at least hint at his feelings, but every time he went to say the words, all he could think of was his father telling him: “ _ who’d want a fag like you? Gay or straight, no one would want you. You’re a waste of air. Your existence is a mistake. Everyone will leave you eventually, don’t you forget that, boy.” _ So he swallowed the words down and stayed quiet.

But Alex. Alex was perfect. Not that he didn’t have any flaws - but he was perfect to John. He was a force of nature, a hurricane. He never seemed to be still, always buzzing with energy. Always had a cause he was fighting for. Always seemed to be ready to fight. Always debating something. Always loud. Alex was a mess of a human, in the best way possible. And even with that in mind, even when he was never still for anyone or anything, whenever John was talking to him, it’s like Alex made a conscious decision to  _ be still and pay attention.  _ it was a clear change that happened; one moment Alex would be fidgeting and ranting about how stupid a lesson was, and then John would start talking, and Alex would just… deflate? It honestly looked like it. It wasn’t a bad thing, at all. It’s just he would be barely managing to sit still in his chair, and then he’d look  _ grounded _ and he’d meet John’s eyes and he’d hum and laugh and smile at all the right moments, and he wouldn’t interrupt and John never knew what to do with the attention. At home, having attention on him would mean he’d done something wrong, or his dad wanted to remind him how worthless he was or his mom wanted him out of her sight - the only one who gave him positive attention was James and he. He wasn’t around anymore. Hadn’t been around for a long time. So Alex’s attention was addicting. And John, knew he needed this, and he wanted it, so he let himself have it.

 

+

 

When it was time to apply to colleges, John began worrying, stopped sleeping well, and started clinging to Alex. The thing was that even with his A’s, John wasn’t on Alex’s level. And they were applying to the same colleges, but what if they didn’t get into the same one? They didn’t do the cliche  _ “don’t tell me where you’re applying and I won’t tell you where I am, and wherever we get in, we’ll keep in touch” _ . No, they were very much on the same page; they would go to the same school. So, John knew Alex would follow him wherever, but he didn’t want to get into a less-than stellar school and force Alex to go somewhere he wasn’t meant to. In the end, it didn’t matter. They both got into Columbia. Alex was so excited and happy and  _ beautiful  _ \- John wanted to kiss him. But, with his dad’s words ringing in his ears, he didn’t.

He packed his things and left. He’d gotten in with a full-ride scholarship so he didn’t care what his parents had to say. He packed and left with the full knowledge that that was probably the last he’d see them. He found that he truly did not give a fuck. The feeling was freeing.

 

+

 

Somehow, someone up there must have felt bad for them - an abused gay kid, and a ptsd-suffering bisexual orphan - because they  _ somehow _ managed to each get a single. That is, they each had their own dorm room. That did not happen, and especially not to freshmen. But it did. And they had enough brain cells to know if it  _ was  _ a mistake, they were definitely not going to draw attention to it. Alex pouted at first, having wanted to room with John, and while John wanted that, too, he also knew his feelings for Alex weren’t strictly platonic, so he was happy to have his own space. Besides, their dorm rooms were on the same floor.

 

+

 

While they had some mutual interests, they mostly had different classes. Alex stuck with political science, and John. Well, John wasn’t sure what he would major in so he took anything that interested him. He took a psychology class, an english lit class, a sociology class with Alex, and rounded it out with latin. And it was amazing, his classes were amazing. The people he met there were brilliant. Both him and Alex made new friends, although they were still each other’s best. They still saved their Sundays for each other; to hang out and talk or just  _ be  _ with each other.

And because their classes were so different, they met different people. John met Lafayette, Hercules, and Eliza. Alex met Angelica, Thomas, James, and Aaron. John still wasn’t sure why Alex and Madison were friends since all they seemed to do was fight. Jefferson was kind of the same with Alex, but he got bored quickly and was never really personal, and seemed to prefer clinging to Madison than fighting. His fights with Alex were mainly debates in class. Madison and Alex, on the other hand, were always one wrong word away from a punch being thrown, which wouldn’t end well for either of them; Alex, as feisty as he was, was tiny; Madison, while bigger than Alex, seemed to always be sick, always coughing and dizzy and tired. John was sure a physical fight between them would end in both of them hurt. Which was why he appreciated that Jefferson and him were on the same page and would immediately intervene whenever things were getting out of hand. Jefferson would drape himself over Madison and whine until the other man rolled his eyes and left with him, and John would just take Alex’s hand and he’d immediately have his attention. It was a great system. 

He pretended he didn’t know that Jefferson thought Alex and him were together.

 

+

 

It was Sunday, and Alex was half-asleep on John’s bed. John was editing an essay on his desk. 

“John.” 

“Yes?” 

“Can we drop out?” came the mumbled complaint.

“Sure, Alex, what do you wanna do instead?” 

“Can we go live in the Amazon?” 

“I'll follow you anywhere, but you can’t complain that you’re bored when we get there.” he warned. Alex paused, and John rolled his eyes. “why do you wanna drop out anyway?” 

Alex let out a pitiful whine, “I'm so tired.” 

Frowning, John saved his work and turned around. “You haven’t been sleeping?” 

“I sleep. But there’s so much I need to get done and I'm actually  _ behind  _ on a class, and whenever I do sleep, I get nightmares and wake up in the middle of the night.” he admitted, defeated and pouting.

John sighed and joined him on the bed. “Well, you can sleep today. All you want. And, I'm not really into political science as you are, but I can help you study?” 

Alex smiled so wide it was blinding, “You’re the best!” he cuddled up to John and sighed, “can we nap now?” 

John, pretending he wasn’t shaken because of the contact, nodded, “Yup!” and so they did. 

Well, Alex did. John lay there frozen, and glared at the messages he’d gotten from his, now, least two favorite people in the world; Laf and jefferson. 

He’d texted them:  **Alex fell asleep on me and I can’t move!!!! But I have an essay to edit ?????**

From Laf:  **;)))))**

From Jefferson:  **stfu don’t pretend like u aren’t enjoying urself.**

He had too much pride to respond to their stupidity, so he texted Eliza and got:  **I bet ur dying rn** in response. 

Aaron sent:  **what you do in your private time with your boyfriend is none of my business.**

He gave up after that, but he still got messages from Angelica and Herc even though he hadn’t texted them.

Angelica:  **heyyyy heard your boy was study-blocking you (that’s like cockblocking but for studying just fyi)**

From Herc:  **please don’t text my bf what you and Alex do in bed; he gets weirdly excited and I don’t need to know why.**

John had shitty friends. 

 

+

 

The thing was that John loved Alex. As a friend. And more. And, well, it wasn’t like Alex was dating anyone; he seemed very content spending his days with John. And John wanted to say  _ “I like you” _ but every time he opened his mouth to say those words, fear would grip him tight and refuse to let go. He didn’t care that he was gay, was proud of it as a matter of fact, but he’d grown up with his parents telling him everyone would leave him, and while he was aware that was a lie, he couldn’t get his heart on board. He knew his friends didn’t think he was straight, he hadn’t come out exactly, but he’d insinuated it enough (as in he would casually tell them he had a date with Chad, or Matt, or Sam, even when he really didn’t) that he knew they knew. He was glad, and so happy, that he didn’t need to take all those major steps with his friends, but he  _ really _ wanted to be with Alex and just be happy.

 

+

 

They were lounging outside under a tree on campus, enjoying the nice weather. They being Alex, John, Aaron, and Eliza. John was lying down with his head on Alex’s lap, eyes closed, relaxing. Alex was reading something for a class. Aaron and Eliza were editing each other’s papers. 

Hercules plopped down with a loud, “hi!” everyone replied in kind, while John just hummed. “What’s wrong with him?” 

Alex chuckled. “He just handed in that lit paper” 

“The one he’s been writing for a month?” 

“Yup!” Alex said, obviously proud. “So he gets to relax and not talk to anyone.” his hand was then on John ’s hair, softly combing through it, “so don’t talk to him, Herc.” 

John smiled and turned his head to kiss whatever he could reach - Alex’s thigh. He didn’t do it consciously, but he did feel Alex’s fingers tighten for a split second in his hair. He was about to panic when Alex went back to petting him and talking as if nothing had happened. John just relaxed further and fell asleep.

 

\+ 

 

“Babe, wake up.” 

He groaned softly and turned his head, burrowing it in the soft but firm pillow he was on. 

A gentle chuckle came. “I know, but we should really get back inside, it’s getting a little cold.” 

His eyes fluttered open and he took in the world around him. His head was still on Alex’s lap - his ‘pillow’. They were still outside. But they were alone, and the sky was darker. 

“‘Time is it?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He blinked up at Alex when he got no response, finding the other man staring at him with an unreadable look. His eyes looked soft though, so John didn’t worry. “Alex?” 

“Hm?” he physically shook his head, “it’s almost 4pm.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yup, your dorm or mine?” 

John shrugged but got up. “Mine? Yours is a mess.” 

“That’s offensive.” 

He started picking up Alex’s books, “I'm just saying, if you’re planning on us spending the night together, I refuse to sleep on your bed.” 

“Um that’s racist and biphobic.” 

John rolled his eyes. “Wow you figured me out” 

“Shut up” 

With that, they got up and headed to John’s dorm where they spent a few hours watching movies and then, at around 10, passed out.

 

+

 

A couple of days later, Alex, John, and Angelica were in their soc class. Angelica putting her hand up every two minutes to argue with the professor. John taking the occasional note. And Alex, strangely, with his head on his folded arms. 

John wrote down the name of the documentary the professor was recommending, then frowned. “Are you okay?” 

Alex glanced up at him, pouting, “No.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Um. As if you care.” 

John was officially worried. He put his pen down. “What are you talking about? Of course I care.” 

Alex just kept pouting and closed his eyes. “No you don’t.” 

“Maybe if you tell me what’s wrong I can help you?” they were mumbling, but John still glanced up to make sure the professor wasn’t paying them attention; they were in the back but still. “Alex.” 

“Why would you wanna help me when you _ hate me _ ?” 

John was befuddled, “Okay. What are you even talking about?” 

Finally sitting up, Alex folded his arms across his chest. “Why won’t you go to Laf’s party with me?” 

John rolled his eyes. “Here I was thinking something was actually wrong.” he picked his pen back up and focused on the professor, ignoring his dramatic friend. 

“Something  _ is  _ wrong!” 

“Me not wanting to go to a party is not ‘wrong’.” he pointed out.

“Well, of course that’s okay, but you said you’d go a week ago and now  _ suddenly  _ you don’t want to? Conveniently after I asked you to go  _ with  _ me?” 

John raised his eyebrows and turned to look at his friend. “Okay, I didn’t change my mind because of you…” 

“Um yes you did” 

“No, I didn’t. I have to read and analyze three poems for Tuesday.” 

Alex scoffed. “The party is on Saturday. You’re just saying that because you wanna let me down gently.”

John bit back a laugh. “I mean I’d love to go to a party with you, buddy, but I have other classes that I need to finish stuff for.” he was confused at the flinch Alex gave halfway through his words, but shrugged it off. 

Alex deflated, “But.” 

John took pity on him, “But what?” he was surprised the professor hadn’t told them to shut up. 

“Madison is bringing Jefferson.” 

John shook his head, confused, “And…?” 

“And I don’t wanna go alone!” 

John looked up when the people around them started getting up.

He packed this things, feeling his resolve weaken at the look on Alex’s face. “Fine. I’ll go to that stupid party.” Alex jumped up and moved to hug him, but John stopped him, “ _ If _ you help me with my latin assignment.” 

Alex quickly nodded and wrapped him in a hug, “Of course. Thank you! It’ll be the best party ever!”

 

+

 

It wasn’t the best party ever. It was good, but not the best. 

Alex refused to leave John’s side, and just winked when John told him he could go hang out with other people. John wasn’t sure what Alex was thinking, but he spotted Jefferson a couple of hours into the party, so he pointed him out to Alex, “I'm gonna go talk to him, wanna come?” 

Alex looked disgusted, “No, thanks.” 

John laughed and finally left Alex’s side. 

Leaning against the wall next to Jefferson, he took the drink out of his hand and took a gulp. 

Jefferson raised an eyebrow, “Hamilton not a good date?” 

“What? Nah, he’s fine. I’m just not feeling it tonight.” 

Jefferson hummed, nodding, “I get it. Jemmy forced me to come here.” 

“Alex forced me, too.” they both hummed, quiet, passing the drink back and forth ‘till it was finished. 

“They’re so weird.” Jefferson finally said. 

John turned to him, “Who?” 

“Jemmy and your boy.” 

John laughed, “Why’s that?” 

Jefferson shrugged, “I don’t get why they like to fight so much. I think they’d be good friends if they tried.” 

“Alex and Madison? How do you even get that idea?” 

Jefferson huffed, “They’re very similar. The biggest differences between them are that Jemmy is quiet, thoughtful, likes to bide his time before making a decision. Your boy is too spontaneous, is smart but jumps into things too quickly sometimes. But they both are strong minded, know what they’re about and will defend their beliefs to the end, both have big tempers which is probably why they can’t spend an hour without yelling at each other…” he trailed off, shrugging. 

John nodded slowly, “You’re right, I guess.” he frowned when Jefferson’s words caught up to him. “Don’t call him my boy.” 

Jefferson turned his head to him, obviously confused, “What?” 

John flushed, “Don’t call Alex my boy.” 

“Why not? He  _ is,  _ isn’t he?” Jefferson wasn’t mocking, just questioning.

“What?”

Jefferson shook his head; he was always uncomfortable with confusion, “Hamilton’s your boy, isn’t he?” 

“No! What?” 

“You’re not together?” Jefferson looked shocked. 

“No. Why would you even…?” his heart hurt at having to deny it, but that was the truth after all, no matter what Jefferson might think. 

“But.” Jefferson was fully turned to him at this point, “But you sleep together. All the time.” 

“ _ Just _ sleep!” John was bright red. 

“You spend all your time together!” Jefferson was wide-eyed. 

“We’re best friends!” 

“You get jealous when people flirt with him!” he pointed a finger at him accusingly. 

“No, I don’t!” he looked around making sure Alex wasn’t close. 

Jefferson exclaimed,  _ loudly _ , “He flirts with you all the fucking time!” 

John opened his mouth to deny that before snapping it shut. Hesitantly, he mumbled, “he doesn't… does he?” 

Jefferson nodded emphatically, “All. The. Time. It’s disgusting.” 

John didn’t say anything for a long while, before shaking his head decisively, “You’re imagining things. We’re just friends.” 

Jefferson stared at him, wide-eyed and frustrated, “You know what. I need to find Jemmy.” with that, he turned around and marched away. 

John was alone for a few minutes before Alex came over and, obviously drunk, dragged him with him, “Come dance with me!”

 

+

 

After Jefferson made his ridiculous accusation, John couldn’t  _ not  _ notice it. Alex would flirt with him. It was cheesy sometimes, others it was very subtle, but he still did it. 

For example: they were walking to the campus cafe to meet up with Herc and Laf, and Alex was going on about a debate he’d “ _ definitely won, John, don’t let Jefferson lie to you! _ ” and John was nodding, trying not to smile at how cute Alex was. Neither of them was paying attention to the road. That was made obvious when Alex, staring at John as he finally laughed, smacked into a streetlight and fell on his ass. 

John immediately dropped to his knees next to him, “Oh my god, are you okay?” his hands were frantically checking over Alex’s head for any sign of blood. 

Alex groaned once, opening his eyes, “I'm gonna need your name and number.”

John was worried, “What? Do you have a concussion? How many fingers am I holding up?” he put up three fingers. 

Alex, solemn, shook his head, “I was so entranced by your beauty that I ran into that pole. I need your info for insurance reasons.” 

And John.John didn’t know how to respond to that. So finally, blush bright on his cheeks, he stood up, “You’re an ass.” 

Alex, laughing, slowly got up. 

That’s an example of the kind of cheesy lines Alex would do. 

But sometimes. Sometimes he’d be really sweet. So sweet John could feel his heart leave his chest and drop at Alex’s feet, ready to follow him for the rest of his life. Times like when John wanted to go to an EDM show but no one wanted to go with him, but he didn’t care about anyone else, he just wanted to go with Alex. So he pleaded with him to go, and then, when Alex hesitated before refusing, John smiled and started emphatically nodding at his friend. And then Alex rolled his eyes, but he still smiled this tiny, soft -  _ unbelievably soft _ \- smile and said, quiet enough that John figured Alex was talking to himself, “I love and hate your smile. It’s beautiful. But I can’t seem to say no to it.” and John couldn’t breathe properly and he didn’t know what to say so he pretended he didn’t hear anything at all. And Alex shook his head and, with that same smile, agreed to go with him.

 

+

 

It was confusing. 

John liked it, a lot, but he didn’t know what to make of it. He tried to see if their friends said those things to each other, but then thought maybe his and Alex’s relationship was different. He didn’t know who to ask about this, so he just kept it to himself.

 

+

 

Once, Aaron came knocking at John’s door, irritated. “Go deal with your boy or I'm killing him.” and then he was gone before John could finish saying “he’s not my boy”. 

So John sighed but went to Aaron’s dorm room. The usually immaculate and quiet room was in disarray. John stood in the doorway and just blinked at the sight of Alex pacing among the books on the floor, and muttering to himself. 

“Um Alex?” it took John a couple more tries before Alex finally heard him and stopped pacing. 

“John?” 

“Yeah. Hi.” he slowly advanced into the room, “What are you doing?” 

Alex let out a frustrated huff, “I stupidly promised Dr. Monroe that i’d help him find volunteers for his fundraiser but  _ no one _ is willing to go!” he ran his fingers through his already messed hair, “Monroe already hates me, John, I can’t--” he said, arms hanging limp at his side, pleadingly looking at John. 

John took a cursory look around the room, “And the books?” 

Alex, confused, frowned, “What?” 

“Why are there books everywhere?” 

“Oh. I was reading.” he said as if that explained things, which. It actually did; Alex tended to go crazy when he was feeling trapped or frustrated and would read anything he could get his hands on. He wouldn’t finish any of the books, but he’d read a little of everything. 

John smiled at him, reassuringly, and sat on the desk chair. “Well. You’re in luck, ‘cause your best friend has some serious dirt on everyone we know.” he winked. “And I'm going to get all our friends to volunteer. So don’t worry!” 

Alex just stood there, staring at him. That soft look he got around John was back. Then he took a couple of steps ‘till he was right in front of John. He took John’s hand and brought up to his lips, kissing it then mumbling, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

The moment felt like it went on for a lot longer than it really did. 

Alex kissed his hand, said those words, and then let John’s hand go and took a step back, bright smile replacing the softness, “You’re actually my favorite person!” he clapped once and started for the door. 

John, dumbfounded, called out, “What about the books?” 

Alex shrugged, still smiling, “Burr’ll clean the mess up!” 

Then, as always, John followed Alex out the door.

 

+

 

After a few more instances that left John speechless and breathless, he decided to regroup. He gave his friends the excuse of a paper and locked himself in his room. He needed to think. Really think. He liked Alex. Was in love with him. That much was obvious. So obvious, in fact, that apparently Jefferson and Madison thought they were already together. But, they weren’t. That’s the problem. And, with the way Alex was acting, John thought maybe he felt the same. But. And he hated to admit this, but John was terrified. The only person he’d ever cared about, the person who was there for him always, died because of him. His parents hated him for no real reason. He knew Alex wasn’t like them, but what if John really  _ was  _ cursed? What if anyone he let in left him, by choice or not? Alex had been through a lot, way more than anyone should have to go through, so John knew he was strong and smart. But, what if being with John was the final test? What if that was the test Alex failed? What if John let Alex in, and he finally saw how messed up and insecure John really was? Alex had enough on his plate, what with his ptsd, the last thing he needed was John’s issues. With that in mind, John turned off the lights and wrapped the covers around him, deciding once and for all not to let his feelings get in the middle of a great friendship.

 

+

 

He didn’t count on Alex being the one to finally acknowledge the elephant in the room.

 

+

 

Alex, noticing how distant and distracted John had been, told him, under no uncertain terms, that they were having a movie night.  _ Just  _ the two of them. And John, actually really missing his friend, didn’t say no. So that was where they were. In Alex’s room, on the small couch, sitting close but not cuddling. Alex had decided on an animated movie night, so they were on movie #3, one of their favorites; The Road To El Dorado. 

They were about halfway through when Alex yawned and let his head rest on John’s shoulder. Then, he wrapped an arm around his waist and burrowed unbelievably closer. John tried to calm down but he could feel Alex’s breath on his neck and his heart couldn’t stop racing. So, without thinking, he jumped up, Alex yelped but caught himself before he fell off the couch. John, not looking back at him, unsteadily moved to Alex’s desk, grabbing onto it tight until his knuckles were white. His back was still to Alex. 

He heard Alex pause the movie, then sigh. “So is it time to talk about this?” Alex said, letting out a dry laugh. 

John couldn’t say anything. 

“Okay, let’s do it. I just thought… I thought you might like me too.” John’s heart froze before resuming its fast beating, he still didn’t say anything. Alex kept going. “It’s just. I don’t wanna ruin our friendship, but I just thought I was reading the signs right. Maybe I was wrong but. I’m so sure I wasn’t?” he asked, but continued in a steady voice. “You just. You’d look at me sometimes, like you might like me. Or. Or like you really wanna kiss me, and I’d want you to, but then it’s like you realize what you’re thinking and I can  _ see  _ you pushing those thoughts away. And then sometimes. I don’t know. Whenever someone flirts with me in front of you, you look so angry, like you wanna punch them, but then you catch yourself and you sorta deflate. It’s just, I don’t  _ think  _ I'm reading this wrong, but if I am… if you don’t feel the same way... I would never want to be without you. I value your friendship more than you know, and if you don’t feel the same, I don’t want to lose that. So, please. Can you just clarify for me? Can you just answer this one question? Do you like me?” 

And that was it. Alex had said his piece and he was waiting. And John knew he wouldn’t rush him but Alex wasn’t going to take silence for an answer. And, truthfully, John didn’t want to stay silent any longer. He wanted to finally say  _ “yes, I love you. I’ve been in love with you for so long. I’m just scared of fucking this up. Can you make sure I don’t fuck this up?”  _ but he didn’t know how. His heart was racing, his vision was blurry, his body was shaking, his knees were unsteady, he felt like he’d fall down if he tried to move. He unclenched one fist and pulled the desk chair close enough for him to sit down. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down, tried to do what the psychiatrist at the hospital after he almost drowned had told him to do if he felt like he was losing it; a deep breath in for 4 seconds, hold it for 5, let it out for 8. Do it ten times and you’ll feel calm. He knew Alex wouldn’t get up and leave, or kick him out, or rush him, and that thought made the jumbled thoughts in his head less scrambled. 

_ Deep breath in, hold it, let it out. Deep breath in, hold it, let it out. Deep breath it, hold it, let it out.  _

Huh. his problem was with words; he couldn’t say the words he wanted to say. But. Alex didn’t give him an open-ended question. Alex had made it really easy for him; he’d ended his speech with one question, and all John had to say was either yes or no. and the answer was obvious. There was really only one real answer to Alex’s question; did John like him? That was the easiest question John had ever been asked.

One last set of  _ deep breath in, hold it, let it out,  _ and, still with his back to Alex, John nodded, “Yes.” it felt surreal, like it wasn’t John who’d said it, and he really wanted to laugh at how huge this felt, when it was just one, three-letter word.

“Can I come closer?” Alex said, obviously trying to be patient but the words were rushed. 

“Yes.” 

And suddenly Alex was right there, close enough for John to reach out and touch him. 

Alex licked his lips, eyes bright and happy but cautious, “Can I touch you? I really wanna hug you right now.” 

_ Deep breath in, hold it, let it out _ . With the exhale, it’s like all the jumbled thoughts left, and John felt calm, steady. He blinked a few times to make sure his vision wasn’t blurry anymore, and then met Alex’s eyes, smiling, “Yes.” 

And Alex grinned, so big and bright. “I mean I can totally sit on your lap for this, but I think maybe you should stand up? Unless you’re gonna pass out again.” 

John rolled his eyes at the teasing words but got up, making a show of being annoyed, “Ugh god you’re the worst.” 

Alex pretended he didn’t hear the slight shakiness in his words. “You say the sweetest things, no wonder I'm in love with you.” and with that, Alex stood on his tiptoes and wrapped his arms around John’s neck. John’s arms wound tight around his waist.

“Well that’s a solid reason. What’s mine?” 

Alex pulled back, arms still loosely around his shoulders, “Listen now. I don’t need to take this sort of abuse.” 

“What are you gonna do, divorce me?” 

Alex widened his eyes, “ _ No fucking way! _ You think after years of waiting I'm just gonna let you go? Hell no.” 

John felt giddy with happiness, “Years?” 

Alex nodded, seriously and solemnly, “Years.” 

John saw Alex’s eyes flit down to his lips and considered letting him wait, maybe not even kiss him at all just to spite him, but once the thought entered his mind, he couldn’t let it go - he’d been waiting for years, too, and they both deserved this. So he nodded, “I guess we should kiss on it then.” 

And Alex smiled that soft smile and nodded back, raising himself on his tiptoes again and, just before their lips met, whispered, “By the way, you better make this good, I've been thinking about it for so long.” 

“Shut up.”   
  


+

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo, yeah. do you know what i noticed? my outlines are ALWAYS infinitely better than the actual fic lmao, i have a dissociation disorder fic that i outlined in one sitting when i was feeling panicky about my own dissociation but now can't seem to be able to write it... i guess i need to wait 'till i have another episode haha kill me :)))
> 
> i guess if you want to read any of the outlines, or just wanna chat, hmu on tumblr @ the same name: ErisedEloquence
> 
> as a general disclaimer: for mental health issues and disorders, i won't write for anything i don't have. but i mean, i actually have a bunch of shit wrong with me so. a lot of material there!
> 
> xx


End file.
